NUMB

I feel NOTHING...............

I am not Happy,

nor Sad,

I am not Excited,

nor afraid.

I am not jealous,

nor secured.

I feel NOTHING.

3 months before I wrote this post. 2 terrible news changed ME.

(flashback)

Since I was a child, I taught myself how to control my emotions. I taught myself to think rational and balance all situations. I grew to be a PERFECTIONIST. 

Back when I was a child,

I committed a lot of mistakes,

lost a toy, stole a 5 pesos in our cabinet, wrong solution for area and perimeter, spilled gravy sauce, my first cuss, my first pee in the class, did not complete the A B C in the notebook, I spanked my sister, burned rice, cat stole our food, no sports, tv maniac, improper "kammet", bought a sim card worth Php. 100, and all other simple mistakes I can remember in my mind. I grew up with full of criticisms and opinions. 

I was bullied, I was humiliated, I was shocked, I was labeled and Underestimated.

All these scene was kept by memories, hid by time and suppressed by determination and dreams.

I am already 19 years old and grew feeling nothing.

-end flashback-

These terrible news made me feel angry, sad and guilty. 

I judged a person, cursed a person, and cussed a person.

I blamed my self and let my negative aura drove me to circumstances.

I prayed to God, not to feel angry to anyone

I prayed to God to give me an inner peace.

And because of these rational thinking,

I feel no emotions.

My mind dominated my emotions,

Even my Love Drive faded

I am a Living Dummy of my own Body.

I frequently thinking Lunatic Things,

But does not mean I'm going Insane,

I am NUMB, not CRAZY

There's a diffrence.

Every mistake I made,

I feel irritated (is that a feeling? yes, I do had a feeling!)

Sometimes I wanna cry just to lessen my burden,

but why is mind telling "You should not be crying, don't show your weaknesses"

Why?!

 Maybe 

because I used to manage all these emotions when I was a child.

Maybe 

because my past was too painful and my heart became immune to all these stuff.

I don't consider myself Mature because I am still not,

But as time goes by,

I am learning how to fight,

How to bend with society,

How to think professional.

I don't know what will happen to the future, but as of now

11:47 pm Feb. 26, 2015 

Emotion has no space for Decisions and Thinking!